Last week on this page we got together and decided – possibly while drunk – that we would form our own Paranormal Investigation team. Once that decision had been made we got our team together – Leader, Tech guy, “Skeptic”, Researcher, someone who claims to be a Psychic Medium, and the Panicky Idiot. We also did our shopping and got some awesome gear to go ghost hunting. So let’s do that. First step, find a haunted house.
This shouldn’t be too difficult. If TV is any guide there are enough haunted locations in North America to maintain a dozen TV shows dedicated to them. So we’ll pick one and wait for nightfall. As we’ve touched on before, ghost-hunting during the day is a ridiculous idea; nothing supernatural goes on when it’s light out for some reason never adequately explained by TV shows about the paranormal. Hmm. Once we’ve picked our haunted location, we send the researcher to the library while the rest of us go meet the owner. The owner will be one of two types (again, this is all according to my own “research” of watching paranormal TV shows. TV shows about the paranormal I suppose is more accurate, there being nothing ghostly about the actual transmission. If that happens you’ll hear about it on this site first). Type one has seen or heard some weird things on his property and appears concerned that he may be losing his marbles (but calls ghost hunters rather than a doctor). He just wants somebody to say “your house is haunted, you aren’t crazy”. Strangely, this person will be relieved when told that his house is haunted. At least he’s not just “seeing things”. If you debunk anything, he will be unlikely to believe you. The second type is the person who lives in constant terror of whatever it is that they think is in the house with them. They hallucinate and hear noises, all of which leads them to think that they need an exorcist rather than a psychiatrist. They’ll be disappointed when they realize there isn’t an exorcist on our team. Maybe we should find one? That will be one of the tasks of the Researcher, to check the Yellow pages for “Exorcist”. If/when that fails we’ll likely have to resort to the more pathetic variety of exorcism, that performed by the medium. It’s just as shameless as what the church does, but far less impressive; in some things you just can’t beat Latin. Anyways, on with our ghost hunt.
We’ve waited for nightfall, but we also have to turn out the lights in the house. Not only does it make the whole enterprise more spooky, but if we leave the lights on we’ve wasted a whole bunch of money on night-vision gear. Then we’d feel pretty stupid. Speaking of night-vision gear and feeling stupid, it’s only for the cameras, not for the team. No night-vision goggles or anything that will help us see our way around this haunted house. Why? Shut up, that’s why. So the Tech Guy sets up all the stationary cameras and recording equipment and probably sits in a van outside watching us run around like blind idiots, which is fair. In the meantime our researcher has filled us in on all the horrible things that have happened in the house we’re traipsing around in; murders, suicides, Twilight fan-fiction; A laundry list of horrors and we’re stuck here, in the dark, on purpose.
So now what are we supposed to do? It’s dark, we have cameras and recorders, and we can’t see a damn thing. Well, lets pose some questions to the unquiet spirits infesting this house, since it’s well known (somehow) that dead people are if nothing else, chatty (but camera shy). “Who are you?”, “What do you want?”, “Did you get the series finale of Lost?”, are all valid questions. The responses are tricky since they tend to be pure static, or “<inaudible>” in the parlance of ghost shows. With a little effort and imagination there may be words, but where the beefy idiot on Ghost Adventures hears “I’m going to kill you” from his EVP (electronic voice phenomenon, did you even read part one?) the rest of us only hear “CCCHHHHHHHHHHHppsssssshhhhhhhTTTTTTTTTCCHHHH”, whatever the hell that means. Fortunately our psychic heard it too, after we explained what it said. The less said about the psychic, the better. Suffice to say this ditsy misanthrope wanders around, eyes closed (or way too wide open), “sensing things”. The psychic should also perform some sort of ceremonial “cleansing” of the house, because that kind of crap is expected when you bring one of them along. Since we already know that the psychic is full of shit and cannot be anything less than unspeakably annoying, we’ll just move on.
Now that we have all this evidence from our digital voice recorders (pause to giggle over the use of the word “evidence” in this context), let us explore the house some more. Again, without being able to see anything. This is where the Panicky Idiot finds his time to shine, and what is more important, we learn a valuable lesson: We’re all the panicky idiot. The rest of our time spent in this house will consist of frantically moving through the house, waving our cameras around, listening with our eyes in the way everybody does when the lights are out, and saying over and over again; “DID YOU HEAR THAT?” “DID YOU SEE THAT?”, “DID YOU HEAR THAT?”. No, no, and no again. But we’ve done our best and will continue to do so until the sun comes up or we just lose our nerve and go join Tech Guy in the van to calm down and maybe cry a little. After all we’ve been through, we deserve a rest, a dark house, noises, dust motes that FLOAT IN THE AIR AND CATCH THE LIGHT FROM THE CAMERA?!?!?! Sorry, “spirit orbs” are what they’re called in the ghost hunting biz, and are the cornerstone of what Ghost Hunters consider “proof”, this is enough to drain anybody, both emotionally, spiritually (whatever that means), and physically (not to mention we’ve been up all damn night, the Ghost Hunter Starter Kit doesn’t include Red Bull). Our investigation -and possibly exorcism, depending on what kind of night we had- is now over, so we move on to “the reveal”.
Giving the reveal to the “type one” discussed earlier is real easy. “Your house is definitely haunted, here’s some photos of spirit orbs that are totally not dust, just because you live like a pig and haven’t cleaned all year, and here’s a recording of a ghost that if you listen to enough times you’ll hear it say whatever I tell you it said.” This goof will then shake our hands, thank us for confirming that he isn’t insane, and bid us farewell. Type two is a horse of a different color. Essentially we give the same reveal, show the same evidence, claim the efficacy of whatever ritual we performed – because why the hell did we bring a psychic medium if not for that kind of dumb-fuckery – and get the hell out of Dodge. If our crazy type two isn’t convinced by our ritual-placebo they’re going to call us back until we find a way to have this person hospitalized for their own good. We should change our phone number at that point as well, since this type of haunted idiot is similar to having a crazy ex.
That’s about it for the fun-filled world of Ghost Hunting. The more I think about it the more I want to do it, and I’ll be in need of a job soon. Click “like” if you want to join my Paranormal Investigation team.