Dear History Channel. It’s time we had a little talk. We’ve been through a lot together and I’ll always cherish those times, but all good things must come to an end. We used to be a lot alike, we had things in common. I liked WWII history and for the longest time you showed me documentaries of the Luftwaffe going down like Girls Gone Wild. I could count on you to show me dramatizations of the lives of great people, back-to-back with actual documentaries of their lives. And if occasionally you showed Boogie Nights under the impression that 70’s porn is a worthwhile subject and John Holmes an historical figure of significance, I could forgive you. When you insisted on repeating biographies of Nostradamus and treating him as a prophet, I could just grit my teeth and bear it. Nobody is perfect, we all have our quirks. But it’s all changed. You’ve changed. And this madness has to end.
I don’t know when it started, but one day I realized it was all gone. All the History you used to bring. Perhaps you can’t imagine how little of a damn I give about hillbillies living in swamps and hunting snakes and alligators. Perhaps you don’t care. Your idiotic marathons of Pawn Stars hurts me deeply, as does any show that is all about people buying other people’s garbage. Are you trying to drive me away? It’s working. Ice Road Truckers? Fuck you. But perhaps worst of all is your fascination with the end of the world; I don’t know how to say this nicely, so I’ll just come out with it. Nothing happened in December 2012. Not a fucking thing. There was no Mayan Apocalypse. The Galactic alignment was an absurd notion to begin with, and most significantly, we’re all still alive. I think it’s important to be blunt about this, because it was over a year ago and you still play your shows that treat it as an upcoming event. Please, I’m begging you, for all our sake, knock that shit off. Someday the world may end. In a few billion years it certainly will. But your obsession with so many potential Armageddon scenarios is painful to watch. Briefly following the lives of people who think these scenarios are real makes me sad, and sensationalizing these absurdities is becoming pathetic. Incoming asteroids the size of Mount Everest? “Rogue Planets”, a Black Hole passing through our solar system, all without anyone noticing? You’re embarrassing both of us, and I’d welcome any one of them if it would just make this stop, and naturally no one in their right mind wants to live in a world where the “Doomsday Preppers” are right.
It’s not all bad though. I still like your Ancient Aliens show, not because it’s historical, but because it’s hilarious. I wish I could believe that’s why you air it. Vikings is a pretty decent show so far, but I just can’t trust you anymore; sooner or later you’ll screw it up, probably by having the Norse gods show up, and they’ll be aliens. Then your crap won’t be funny anymore. You shocked the world by not screwing up Hatfields & McCoys. Nobody trusts you to repeat that success. Sorry.
Is it my fault? Did I make you whore yourself for ratings? Maybe I’m the one that changed. I read more books, and watched you less. Perhaps I neglected you, and sent you out into the arms and homes of any idiots who think that JFK was murdered by vampires, or that watching people cut down trees is quality entertainment, whatever. I don’t really know what idiots think. But now they love you like I used to, so perhaps it’s not you, it’s me. I hate for it to end this way, but now you’ll have to carry on without me. Deep down we both know that you belong with those idiots, you’re part of what keeps them going. If I keep watching your programming I’ll regret it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of my life. But we’ll always have the Luftwaffe.